Im bored.....

And im restless....

I want to visit New Jersey so bad...

I miss my friends.....

I have NO JOB!...

I want to get better...

I want to smoke, but wont....

I want them to be proud of me, but im not sure how to go by that....

im so lonley.

   Today, me and my mom have been just hanging out. When dad got home we went looking for more houses. None of them are as good as the one we picked out first. It just perfact. Wooo we are hopefully moving soon.!!!!!

  I read Marias journal entries today cause i havent been on in a while. I read some really upsetting ones and ones that made me happy because she was. I dont mean to ignore her when she tries to get in contact with me. Its not me cell phone and when we get them mom gives me the cell phone.  I dont mean to nag at her to get a job or to slow down on the pot. Im just worried about her. I want the best for her because she deserves it. She is like the greastest person ever and she needs the greatest. I want her to be happy and i want to be there. But, i just cant. Im here and shes there and it dosent work like that. She knows i care about her at least i hope she does. 

  L.A is just getting on my nerves lately. She is loud and obnoxious and she thinks shes all big and bad because she know like every cop in the town. She treats everyone like slaves and when she dosent get what she wants she calls us names. I dont like people like that. But, i havent said anything beacuse its moms friend and she has helped us. I dont wanna be the let down because she is getting on my nerves and no one else sees it. Im not gonna be that one that ruins a friendship because shes bothering me. 

  I have made no friends here and its starting to piss me off. Im i good person right i should have made friends here by now. I have been here for how long now? I want to make friends im trying but everyone here either has a baby or just does wrong things. I dont wanna put myself in that situation. So ive just been haging out with mom. i dont mind it. I want friends my own age and do things my own age.

 Oh well. 

   Well its been great here. Everybody is so cool. I have alot of friends. I have a great job. Debi has been starting shit as usual. But, thats normal. Even in New MExico i cant get away from her and her crazyness. Ah well.
   
   Im off pot for awhile. I havent smoked any for like 2 months. Now and again i want some i wanna feel that high. But, i dont need it now. i have a great life. Back then it wasnt so great. And pot helped me cope. But, i miss all my frineds deeply. And cant wait to see them. Going down there to visit April 29th threw may 6th.

   Its gonna be great!!!!!!!!!!!! 

   Its really cool down here. My mom is awesome, and my step-dad is cool. My brothers Brandon and Ryan are really nice. I feel welcomed here not at Susans though. That was a bad idea to move there. They warned me, but i dont wanna here those i told you so. Just dont wanna!!! lol

   Anyway, I have my own room here Brandon gave me his room. That was really sweet of him. I met alot of nice people down here. They were excited to meet me. LA is really big (like tall) and really nice she helped me get a job at the movie gallery (like WOW video). And everyone else. Well im going to bed


NIGHT!!!

   I met this really cool girl Amber. I met her at Susans party but, i hung out with her just me and her yesterday. I t was really cool. She looks like this innocent little 16 yr old girl. But, i was mistaken! She is not an innocent girl she steals her dad pot and smokes it. She smokes ciggs. She steals from her moms purse. She has a four wheeler. Its preety coo. Her dad is a funny one.  WOOO 



ZACH IF YOU MUST READ THIS THE DONT THINK THAT I HAD SEX WITH HER OR SOMETHING. BRANDON DIDNT RAPE ME I JUST REGRET HAVING SEX WITH HIM IS ALL. STOP TAKING THINGS OUT OF PROPORTION!!! DAMN!!!

     Im so excited! Im going the 18th. Its only 114.00 to fly there. Its going to be a 5 hr. flight!!! Then im in Texas. Where my mom is going to pick me up!!! eeee im excited!!!

  It was preety cool. Susan drove halfway through Indiana. Then they switched off cause she was getting tired. Me, Susan, Susans mom, and her moms boyfriend George. It was really fun, and we slept through most of it though. But, the parts i was awake for were fun. The reason we went there was because they had to pick up a rug. In Detroit...from illinois. Thats a 2 day round trip. lol...

   Everything was going great until we got home. I called Zach cause he called a couple of days ago but, i was on the phone with my mother so i ignored it. And, when we were talking. He said that when i was talking to Maria a couple of days ago. She was upset and, i didnt even notice. You have no idea how bad this made me feel. So after i got off the phone with Zach i called Maria. It was just a normal conversation till i asked her about that phone call. It got all quiet and i almost started to cry. Like how can i have been so stupid and not reilised that my best friend was upset. She said she missed me alot. And i miss her everyday of every single minute and every second. I think about her constantly. I find ways to bring her into mine and Susans conversations. Like how she made me laugh when i was upset. How we could just sit a k-mart for hours and still be entertained. How we could smoke pot in brooklawn then walk to k-mart and sit outside smokin ciggerattes. Just everything we did we were hardly ever bored. I feel like something is missing now. But, i relise that its Maria whenever i call her. Its filled again. Then we say our goodbyes and hang up. Then im so lonley again. I cant really get a straight answer from her about me moving to New Mexico. But, i read her live journal tonight and started to cry. I really wish i wasnt causing her pain. I wanna go home and give her a big hug and tell her "IM BACK! So dont be sad anymore." 

  I dont even have anyone to talk about this to. I dont feel compfortable enough to talk about this to Susan. And, really i dont wanna talk to her about it. It seems like she would just tell me im being stupid and get over it. Maybe thats what i need to hear. But, i dont want to hear it. I wanna continue loving Maria so much that it hurts when im not talking to her. I dont wanna forget that. That i can love someone so much that i feel sick.

  Susan, Me, and James have been smoking alot. Its good i guess. I smoked out of my first bong down here. I am trying to look for a job but, there isnt anything in Toledo. Its all trailers. There is a little square down the street but, thats it.  It snowed like crazy last night. Susan, James and Me were playing in the snow today. He kept tackling me. Susans birthday party was Saturday. I got drunk as hell and made out with this girl Kayla. She is really cute thank god. This girl amber kept kissing my cheeks but, she was ugly so i was happy when she left. Of corse i threw up but, Kayla helped me so did Susan. Kayla helped me get into my pajamas. hehehe. There was this cool guy Gatlin and, he was dancing with me. He kept doing model poses when i was taking his picture. He was hilarious.

  Susan and me havent really been doing anything. There isnt much to do here. But, we were hanging out with her friends Quinton and Zack today. They were funny. We went and played pool, and got 50 cent shirly temples. They were good kinda had a funny taste to them from when i remember them. O well, it was better then nothing. I really need ciggarettes. Ill ask her mom tomorrow. 

  I need to talk to Maria but, she hasnt been really able to talk. Its kinda weird that she is hanging out with Zach like every other day. But, Im kinda happy about that. I just wish that they got along as well as they do know when i still lived there. I got home sick earlier today. And, i almost cried. Ah well.

   I have been here since Sunday, and im still trying to get used to the changes. It is alot differant over here. Its more spread out. More farm then anything. When i got off the bus Sunday. I went to go and get my bag from under neath the bus, and it wasnt there. I had this feeling troughout Indeanapolis that my bag wasnt on the bus, but i ignored it. But i should have listined to it. ugg...that bag has all my shirts and undergarments it it. Worst of all it has my ID and Social Security card it it. They are in my wallet in my little bag in the bigger bag. Damn! 

   I have talke to Maria and Zach since i left there though. They really miss me, and i really miss them. I wish i could be there with them, but im here now and i have to make this work. Im here to change and get better at not being lazy and moving on with my life. Im 18 now and i have to grow up. I will go back to New Jersy one day. I grew up there and im planning to grow old and die there as well. You cant just live somewhere for 18 years and leave and forget. Its impissibale. I was talking to Amanda earlier, and she said the sad goes away after awhile, but you will always think about home. And not to dwell on New Jersey to move on and get on with my life. She has been really supportive about my desision, and i really apprciate it. She understands how hard this is.

   I really miss my family as awell, but i talk to them alot and tell them whats going on. It helps. I have met some of Susans friends. They are nice. Hyper and stupid just like i am. So its easy to be myself around them. Susans birthday is on saturday. She is planning this big party with alcohol. It should be fun! I need something to drink to relax. lol.

  well im going to bed now.
 

 One name...Zach...is the most selfish person i have ever met.
Just letting ya know that.

Anyway, Maria, Zach and I were supposed to go to Philly today to get my bus ticket. Zach a had nervous breakdown because of my leaving. So he got home from school shut off his phone and went to bed. >.< He said that he couldnt belive that it was acctually happing, that i was leaving.......I love the kid to death, and he can be sweet. Today tho, was the most pansyist thing anybody ive known done. It pissed me off so bad! Maria wasnt to happy either.

So Maria and i wound up just walking around leaving angry messages on Zachs voicemail. lmao.That was kinda fun.

I am definatly getting my ticket Friday though. I dont care if he has a panic attack im fucking gettin this dam ticket!!! Zach or no Zach!!!

But, he finally called back right after i got home. He called my house phone acting like nothing even happend. Like what he did wasnt girly...idiot...I dont wanna be mad at him for the last week im here. So i forgave him and im gonna move on. Cause drama is not something i want right now. I dont need it.

This is it folks! I'm moving to Illinois! With Susan, her mother said that i can stay there as long as i need. Till i get my own place is really what she means. Anyway, Tyler said that he would give me the $60 dollars to go and live there. He is the best! Its because he understands me. He just goes with the flow just like me. Zach is trying to convince me to stay, that its a bad idea. He says that hes not, but i can tell. I just know him to well. lol. 

Yea, I'm gonna miss my friends. Of course im gonna miss my family. But, this is what has to be done. I want a going away party! Tyler said that he is gonna get pot on Friday. So we can have a little party. Thats nice of him. I'm gonna have a big bash! i'm gonna invite everyone! To a pot smoking party! lol. That would be cool! 

I wonder how differant it is down there. Hmmm... It cant be that much differant. Susan seems to like it, and her mother is really lienient with her. And her friends seem to think that im this badass chick from New Jersey comming to live there. lmao. Thats what Susan tells them. They are gonna be let down. lol j/k. :D

 Yea im bored...
Im really pissed at Zach right now. He said that he would help me with anything, and now when i have something that he needs to help me with he backs out. All because he doesnt want me to leave. He says thats not the reason, but that is what he makes it seem. He thinks he understands why i wanna get my house asap, but he has no fucking idea.  But, whatever. It dosent matter beacuse he thinks its a stupid idea. He even said so today, "you still mad at me over the stupid idea thing?". I told him yea, that im extremly pissed at him.